You Know You're An Old Fart When.....

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You Know You're An Old Fart When.....

..... you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

.....you try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

..... Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

.....Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

.....you feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

..... the word "TOOTH" brush takes on a very LITERAL meaning.

.....your memory starts to go and the only thing you can retain is water

.....you have looked and looked, high and low, room to room, inside and outside, and even in the trash. You have desperately and intensely looked simply EVERYWHERE for your glasses. And when you're about to pull your hair out in fustration, you find them on your head.

.....you frequently find yourself telling people what a gallon of gas USED to cost.

.....You consider consciousness as, That annoying time between naps.

.....you turn out the lights for economic reasons, rather than romantic reasons.

..... you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

.....you start video taping Wheel of Fortune.

.....your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

.....You suffer the embarrassment of setting off a metal detector with your artificial hip replacement.

.....you find yourself saying, Well, when I was your age...... we didn't have all this here electronic stuff to play with. We had to invent our own fun and we actually played OUTSIDE instead of sittin' on the damn couch all day long.

.....you finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

.....Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments.

.....Every time you suck in your gut, your pants fall down around your knees.

.....you sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

.....You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

.....your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

.....you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

.....You take your grandkids trick or treating and people keep saying, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

.....you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. Now that's scary!

.....You have had a headache for days..... and then you realize that you had been wearing your wifes glasses the whole time.

.....You forget what you went to the store for..... and it was toilet paper.

.....Your false teeth aren't fitting right and you think they just might need an adjustment, but you realize that they are really your husbands teeth. The funny thing is, he hasn't even noticed yet!

.....many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

.....you come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

.....it's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

.....you have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more

.....the twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals

.....your idea of a night out.... is sitting OUT on the patio.

.....your memory is shorter, but your complaining lasts longer.

.....you wear black socks with sandals.

.....you consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

.....It takes atleast two tries to get up from the couch.

.....you talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

.....you spend a lot of time thinking about the "here-after". you go somewhere to get something..... then wonder what you're "here after".

.....you are at the breakfast table and you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating any cereal.

.....people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

.....you quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

.....you realize that you should NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES take a sleeping pill

and a laxative on the same night.

.....You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

.....your new easy chair has more options than your car.

......your broad mind and your narrow waist have exchanged places.

.....you regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

.....It takes twice as long to look half as good.

.....Happy hour is a nap.

.....The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

.....You light the candles on your birthday cake, and everyone forms a circle and starts singing "Kumbaya."

.....Your back goes out more than you do..

.....you can hide your own Easter eggs.

.....every time you think of exercising, you go and lie down until the thought goes away.

..... there are fewer things you are willing to wait in line for.

.....you are anti-everything: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

.....you go to your class reunion and your former classmates are so old, they can't see you, recognize you, much less remember you.

.....you never pass up an opportunity to pee.

.....your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

.....You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

.....you find yourself smiling all the time, because you can't hear a word anyone is saying.

.....you begin to refer to your wrinkles as "character lines".

.....you start your sentences with, "When I was your age...".

.....Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

....you're sneaking a nap, and people keep shaking you and asking, "are you alright?", because they are worried that you're dead.

.....You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.

......your joints are more accurate than the meteorologists at the National Weather Service.

.....your fiber laxative becomes one of your main food groups.

.....you have to change your underware EVERY DARN TIME you sneeze.

.....your birthday candles set off the smoke and fire detectors.

.....a sexy girl passes by, and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

......you go bra - less and it pulls the wrinkles out of your face.

......you are getting your yearly mammogram and you realize that this is the only time anyone ever sees you topless any more.

......the Grandchildren think you have taken up a new foreign language, but all you did was "take your teeth out".

.....someone is checking out your "FALSIES", and it's your smile.

......you have more hair in your ears than on your head.

......the only thing REALLY HOT about you are your HOT FLASHES.

.....the term "getting lucky" means you were able to find you car in the parking lot today.

.....you have looked EVERYWHERE for you car keys, and you wind up finding them in the cars ignition.

.....you wave to your neighbors, and your arm flab is still wavin' long after they've gone.

.....the only thing "gettin' hard" is your arteries.

.....you realize that over half the stuff in your shopping cart says, "For Fast Relief."